Must... watch... 300

This is the meaty part (aiiiii) of a review I read. The parts I didn't post were either pointless or spoilerish, although there shouldn't be any spoilers if you actually know some Spartan history (which I am assuming you don't, with the exception of Da Rat and possible exception of Manny).

Anyway, posting this review is my way of saying we have to go watch this movie NOW!

It goes a little something like this (and I know it says there that it was reviewed on a day that has yet to pass... but let's just ignore that):

Movie Review

300 (Frank Miller's)
(Reviewed on 03/14/2007)
www.TheRossman.com/rrr/index.html

300 is a good mix (and by good mix I don’t just mean that it was an amalgam of, but a mix of the best parts of) Braveheart, Sin City, and Gladiator. It’s as stylistic as anything seen in Sin City, and actually 3 to 4 times more violent than the bloodiest scenes in Braveheart. That, perhaps, is the greatest part of this film – its ultra-violence. 300's got heart too though. You care just a little too much for these brave men and you really feel it when one of them falls and when their final plans are all undone (take your pick from any of the three previously mentioned movies from which to match this thought to), but the violence! Even when it happens to a Spartan soldier you are still amazed by the in-your-faceness of it all!

Most movies nowadays try to ignore violence, or they show giant battlefields as bloodless campaigns from a distance, where the combatants are basically just a mob of lame, repetitive sword movements. 300 calls those movies pussies, pees on them, and then places its own brutality front and center with no apologies. Oh, and it throws in some female tits for good measure, but that's neither here nor there. The fights themselves are also something to behold (besides the jubblies). The battles aren’t just a series of shitty fast cuts where-in you’ll see a sword slash, a man’s face grimace, some blood hit the ground, and then a man collapse… Fuck and no. In 300 you see full charges that last minutes and are choreographed so beautifully in order to show you the full extent of Spartan soldiers’ training. They don’t just “hack and slash,” they block with a shield, swing a roundhouse sword blow, then kick or shield-shove the already dead (but still standing) foe out of the way in order to fucking kill the next in line. It is a beautiful, well-oiled machine of ball-stomping manliness. And you’re in the front row to see the limbs and heads fly and the crimson splatter over everything like pumpkin innards on your asshole neighbor's porch after a well-played Halloween prank.

There is absolutely nothing that I did not like about 300. The characters, the direction, the visuals… all beautiful. I heard one complaint from some (mongo) chick as she clutched her boyfriend’s arm as they left the theater after the credits began rolling – she basically had a problem with some of the mutant-looking fucks and the exaggerated sizes of the rhinos and elephants in Xerxes army. Apparently she missed the ENTIRE FUCKING POINT of the flick: everything that we’re watching is basically part of the campfire story that Spartan soldier Dilios (a survivor of Thermopylea) is telling to the troops right before the Battle of Plataea, a year after Leonidas’ final stand. It’s all about rallying the men before they [spoiler removed by Blues]! It’s a Spartan propaganda film! Of fucking COURSE parts are going to be exaggerated (but surprisingly enough, a good portion of the tactics, waves of the Persian troops, and the ending are all historically accurate)! And why the fuck did that moron bring a date to this movie in the first place? I highly doubt he was getting any poon that night.


So, what did I think of 300? It kicked the shit out of the previous Thermopylea movie, The 300 Spartans, from the 60s (which I was forced to watch my freshman year in world history class). I give Frank Miller’s 300 two bloody and severed thumbs up.


I came out of that theater so pumped I just felt like charging and beating the shit out of something… anything. This will be the movie that coaches make their teams watch before “the big game” this upcoming football season. Remember the Gay Titans has nothing on 300!